One day I woke up.

That was the day my Dr. spoke to me about whether I could be already legally blind.
And God, who had, for decades, asked me to write this book, suddenly instilled in me the urgency.
But I had been so arrogant and wasted so much time. I thought I knew better. Sure, I would start writing, but then, something more mainstream comes along, yes, the world entered each and every time, telling me, “that won’t get you published… but this would.” I thought, “There is no way that I will earn money,
or even get noticed with something as niche market as a Christian testimonial book.” I always planned to write a collection of stories, expressing the small, medium and large miracles He performed in my life.
And believe me, there have been many; but I always made the mistake of putting it aside for something I always thought would be better; Something that would increase my chances of getting published; like I knew better than God. But He was patient in His Grace and Mercy. He could have killed me for my disobedience, but instead He waited… Waited until I came to my senses. Waited until my eyes were dimming and vision was going… before I realized that my calling was not just to be a writer, but to be a writer for Christ. To show His Wonderful works in my life and therefore also in the lives of others. And perhaps through my words, others may be encouraged to seek Him and His Glory.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start from the beginning. From when I had been given a dream about these writings… I was 15. I am almost 60 now. THAT is how long I procrastinated in scattering His ashes. Yes, His ashes… by this, I learned recently, that my words are likened to His ashes. He wants me to scatter them like in that dream I had when I was fifteen.

I was inspired decades ago to write a book of my testimonies. I always wanted it to be a book, but I suppose a living blog may be just as good if not better. Where I don’t have to wait for editors or publishers… I will just write from my heart. And I hope you will excuse any typos.  I will tell my stories, and hopefully you will find something that touches your soul in a way that makes you draw nigh unto God and bring a friend.

Yes, please, if you enjoy my writings, share with a friend… and ask them to share with their friends… In the hopes that these, which represent His ashes, will be scattered worldwide. That was my dream… But again, I digress… let me start from when I was 15.

One night, I had a dream that I lived in a very old village. Looked like Jesus’ time/place. In the dream, I was living my life in that village when  woman entered through the gates. People shunned her because she was a beggar. In the dream, I took pity on her and took her into my home. I gave her warmer clothes and fed her. Then next thing I knew, She was Jesus. And It was like… whoa! What?! And He explained that when He was in need, I took Him in, I clothed him, I fed Him. And I was like, but I did that for the woman. And He replied, “When you did it for her, you did it for Me.”

Then the dream changes and I am sitting around the corner from where I lived when I first went to church on my own for the first time. (story to come) Now I am sitting on the front steps in my old neighborhood when suddenly a Roman Soldier came up to me in full garb. Helmet, skirt, shield, sword, sandals… yeah the whole outfit. And he carried a satchel. And He told me that the satchel contained the ashes of Jesus, and that “before He died, He wanted to make sure that His ashes would go to you.”

Then the Roman Soldier hands me the satchel. Then the moment I  took the Satchel, in the dream I was transported to the top of a very high mountain. While there, I was speaking to God and saying… “Lord, I could keep these to myself, because what a treasure to possess a part of you! But I cannot. I want the world to share in your Glory. I have chosen to instead, rather than keep them, to scatter your ashes here, as this mountaintop, in hopes that the four winds will carry you into the four corners of the earth and into the hearts and minds of those who hear your calling the way I have.” Then I woke up as I scattered the ashes. It was a dream that stayed with me as though I had it yesterday.

Fast forward ten, twenty, thirty years and I always come so close to getting published, but failing each time. I had more rejection notices than printing paper.  I spent money, time, paid editors, agents, you name it, short of self publishing. I did it all to try and get traditionally published; even had a letter on letterhead from the local chapter of the Alz. Assoc. for a children’s book I wrote on Alzheimer’s… the letter said it recommended it’s publication to have available to its constituents because they never had a children’s book that touched so many points. And yet, I could not get published.

One day late last year or earlier this year, I was speaking with one of my friends and I was whining and complaining… “Why did God give me this talent, if He won’t let me use it for nothing? May as well take this talent and bury it, much use it’s doing me.” After I hung up with her, I was now agitated and angry. And I said to God… “Why?! Why won’t you let me get published? When will I be published?!” and His reply came in very solid. “Not Until You Scatter My Ashes.” Then He reminded me of one of the few dreams He gave me in my youth that for reasons like this, He never allowed me to forget, of course.
He basically told me that in the dream, the ashes represented my words…. And until I wrote the testimonials and shared them with the world, I would not be published. And you want to know the jacked up part? That I started what I started and stopped for the last 50 years… and then I stopped again.

I met with an agent, paid her to edit my work, was sure she would help me get published, but what should I write give her to edit? My testimonials, or my Novel? Guess what I chose? Yep, my novel and my children’s book. Because it was what I thought the world wanted. Not thinking twice about what God had been wanting of me for decades. Strangely I felt guilty afterwards. I was being disobedient to the core and I knew it, but I was chomping at the bit to be published. I was feeling like I would end up like VanGogh who never sold his art but once or twice in his lifetime and yet in death, he is now VanGogh!

And again, God waited on me… He didn’t have to. He could have bounced and left me in His wake, but patiently He waited… all the while, the more time passed, the more there was this sense of urgency in His reminders… I thought I was running out of time. For the first time I saw… and yet ironically, as I am no longer blind to His will for me… now I am going blind in my sight. That was the day I woke up.

Let me tell you, if God speaks to your heart to do something… Don’t wait, don’t question, don’t put it off, just do it.

Whether you think it is good enough or not.

Whether you think people will like it or not.

Whether you feel you are ready or not, just do it…

God will take care of the rest. Took me almost 60 years to figure that out and finally be obedient. I just hope God will not only forgive me for not following His prompting sooner, but also allow me to complete His tasks for me, and to eventually enjoy the fruits of my labor before I go. That is all I ask. I want to multiply that talent He gave me… And I really believe that these, my words, this site, this blog, will in the end, scatter my words, my testimonies likened to His ashes, into the four corners of the earth.
That was my dream. That is my hope.